the first one, eh?

i can't believe it. i have a space completely to myself, and i can't find the words to say it. i guess i should just start with whatever?

i feel so dead. or maybe stilted would be a better word. every day i'm on the brink of falling apart, but then my friends call and i forget aboout everything just for a bit.

it's 3AM. i called with one of my friends today. it was awesome, honestly. we played a game, and i tried to push down the jealousy and envy that fills me whenever i see anyone who's better at me than anything.

call's over now. been over for about two hours i guess. and i feel so empty. night time is never the best for me, because this is when all my emotions get so fucky. all the guilt-trippy, edgy, cringey, bullshit comes to the forefront of my mind and it feels awful.

i've tried diaries. they never worked. it's gotten to the point where i have difficulty writing now anyways. i can't think. i pick up a pencil and i can't focus on the writing at all. maladaptive daydreaming combined with the adhd i think. even now, it's like i'm halfway between writing this here, as n, and being inside my own head. imaginations can be a lot of fun but it's hellish when i don't get to choose when i can imagine.

i was about to get on my vent account? and just let it out there? but it doesn't work. i still feel known. and that's the worst part, the part that makes it difficult to ever open up completely. because even though the limited people on that account are people i can trust, you're still seeing me, and judging me, whether you want to or not. i can't handle it. i can't handle being known or being perceived or having a solid place in someone's life because how do you just live with that? i don't want to known.

i guess i'll do a better introduction here. fill in the space, yeah? i'm n. there's another name you can use, 301. yeah that's the name yeah it's just some letters. either one is fine. i enjoy gacha games, even though they make me so angry i feel like ripping my face off just because i didn't get my funny anime boy, and i wholeheartedly think cats are the best animal to ever exist ever (followed by dogs of course) and i have a really bad perception of myself. i know some people don't agree with bpd subtypes or whatever, but if i had to pick one i'm self-destructive bpd. i don't act outwardly, even though i still think the same thoughts that most people with bpd think. "you hate me, you want me dead, you only talk to me to get information on me, you want to kill me, you want to poison me, you think i'm stupid don't you?" yeah all that.

i like html and css. i hate javascript. i am somewhat capable of making a prettier website than this, but i feel that'd make it easy to identify me. but more than having an idea of color theory (neon green and neon red don't go together type shit) i'm bad with colors. my friend list is relatively small, sometimes too small for me, and i'll probably talk about my friends often.

yeah. that's me i guess. back to my bullshit.

you may ask why this is online. well, i created a short picture to explain it:

yeah, not much else to say on that front. anonymity + need for attention = me.

what else to talk about? this is actually quite theraputic honestly. i don't think i have anything right now. i feel better. and that's the whole point of this i guess. i'm still stilted, make no mistake. but it feels like i've been talking to a friend. so that's comforting. thanks for listening. it's still 3AM, so i'll most likely be back before the end of the day, so i guess i'll see you then.